Kickboxing

A few days ago, I was sitting with my dad and two sisters in a theatre at Gilbert Community College waiting for my mom's voice recital to begin. 

I sat reading Slaughterhouse-Five when suddenly I overheard my sisters conversation which was basically a discussion of the value of punching someone in the throat or the face and which one would cause A) the greatest damage and B) the greatest pain. I put Vonnegut down, turned to my sisters and asked them what in hell's name they were talking about.

"Well," explained Vanessa quite factually, "if you punch someone in the throat it hurts waaayyy more. I mean, haven't you ever wanted to punch someone?"

I sat and thought and realized that, in fact, it was just that morning that I had consciously thought how much I wanted to punch the person right in front of me right in the face.

I hit up the yoga and spin classes regularly at my gym, but have wanted to start going to kickboxing. I had always really liked it before, but since moving back to AZ, I hadn't been able to go very often. In fact, the one time I went, it left me sore and whimpering for days. But, not one to be beat, I attended another kickboxing class last Saturday morning.

I walked in and expected to just do my thing, channel my inner Billy Blanks and call it a day. But the teacher was so unbelievingly irritating, I had to use all my strength to keep myself for just walking out of the class during the warm up. 

She was your typical gym bunny: 70 pounds, massive fake bosoms, super tan skin, long blond streaks, and a high squeaky voice that'll make your toes curl. Now, I am not one to judge. I was fully prepared to like her immensely, but the moment she started screaming "HI-YAAAHHH!" as loudly as possibly INTO HER MICROPHONE headset every single time she kicked, I gave myself permission to hate her just as much as I wanted. 

Those who know me know that I am practically deaf. But I kidd you not, there were times in that class I just had to just stop doing whatever we were doing, cover my ears, and find my happy place. It was so annoying.

So class continues and at one point she starts dividing everyone up into pairs for some "sparring." She chose me as a partner. Just my luck. So she started punching at my face and I was supposed to dodge. At this point,  not only was she yelling RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME, but she was now yelling and trying to punch my face. I'm still repenting for the violent thought that began racing through my brain at this moment. 

Then it was my turn. I was supposed to try and punch her face while she dodged. Oh, how my luck instantly changed. At that moment in time, there was no one in the world (besides Robert Mugabe, Nadya Suleman, Nancy Grace etc) that I wanted to punch and here she was actually screaming into a microphone and telling me to hit hard and faster. 

Of course I didn't hit her. But I did really want to. And because of that, I've decided that kickboxing makes me an angry person and that I'm just going to stick to yoga and spin classes.